is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

i'm going to talk about someone i don't know. her name is kelly mcclure and i found her while looking through articles on thought catalog. i clicked on a current article about a south african man who went on a killing spree with an axe, and thought catalog suggested i might like an article called "i was masturbated at" by one kelly mcclure. i thought to myself, i like this title. the painting (by austrian painter egon schiele) heading off the article caught my eye, and i felt happy to be reading it.

i expected kelly's angle from the dramatic title, but what i was not expecting was this: "like a flashing billboard for everything bad and not cool in the world, I see a black man's penis." wait. hold on a minute. i am sympathetic to the trauma involved with being an audience to public masturbation. i've been there, i know some of my friends have been there, it's unfortunately pretty common when living in an urban environment. in this situation, everyone reacts with varying degrees of discomfort, but the basic feeling i would assume to be the same--"oh! ew." but why, kelly mcclure, did you feel the need to specify to your audience that you had seen a black man's penis? i really don't like this, especially after making the visual an example of "everything bad and not cool in the world." now, i'm sure kelly isn't a racist (actually, i have no idea, but i would like to think she's not a completely backwards-minded person)--during the whole article, this the only time she mentions race. but then! i noticed that one of the tags is "black man masturbating NYC!" oof! i say a lot of weird shit and not much offends me, but that just rubbed me the wrong way.

at this point, i didn't think much could redeem this kelly mcclure in my eyes, but she managed it. in a more current article in which she discusses her sexuality, kelly says "the main reason why i've chosen to never drive stick is because i have a big time vein phobia and once i learned that a peen gets hard because it fills up with blood, and that it's just basically a huge vein with hair on it, i was like 'no, thanks.'" damn you, kelly mcclure, you sly bitch, now you've made me LOL! and i love to LOL. too bad everyone knows i do not have her problem. but it's kind of true, peens can be pretty gross. for one, they can leak. some look fantastic, but others are very, very ugly. my friend anna told me about this, which makes me gag. also if you are uncircumcised please never show me your peen, ever. i will not date you and i definitely will not let you put that inside of me. but, you know what? vaginas aren't any prettier and they certainly don't have any less potential problems. so i guess we're all putting up with a lot of shit for a little bump n grind.

moral of the story cuz i'm so big on morals: if you offend me and it makes you feel sad, you will win me back if you make me laugh. and upon checking out kelly mcclure's website--which includes a reblog of an adorable piglet and a clip from pink flamingos--i'm realizing kelly and i might be soul mates. maybe i was being too serious before. luh you kelly mcclure, call me!