is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

i'm going to talk about someone i don't know. her name is kelly mcclure and i found her while looking through articles on thought catalog. i clicked on a current article about a south african man who went on a killing spree with an axe, and thought catalog suggested i might like an article called "i was masturbated at" by one kelly mcclure. i thought to myself, i like this title. the painting (by austrian painter egon schiele) heading off the article caught my eye, and i felt happy to be reading it.

i expected kelly's angle from the dramatic title, but what i was not expecting was this: "like a flashing billboard for everything bad and not cool in the world, I see a black man's penis." wait. hold on a minute. i am sympathetic to the trauma involved with being an audience to public masturbation. i've been there, i know some of my friends have been there, it's unfortunately pretty common when living in an urban environment. in this situation, everyone reacts with varying degrees of discomfort, but the basic feeling i would assume to be the same--"oh! ew." but why, kelly mcclure, did you feel the need to specify to your audience that you had seen a black man's penis? i really don't like this, especially after making the visual an example of "everything bad and not cool in the world." now, i'm sure kelly isn't a racist (actually, i have no idea, but i would like to think she's not a completely backwards-minded person)--during the whole article, this the only time she mentions race. but then! i noticed that one of the tags is "black man masturbating NYC!" oof! i say a lot of weird shit and not much offends me, but that just rubbed me the wrong way.

at this point, i didn't think much could redeem this kelly mcclure in my eyes, but she managed it. in a more current article in which she discusses her sexuality, kelly says "the main reason why i've chosen to never drive stick is because i have a big time vein phobia and once i learned that a peen gets hard because it fills up with blood, and that it's just basically a huge vein with hair on it, i was like 'no, thanks.'" damn you, kelly mcclure, you sly bitch, now you've made me LOL! and i love to LOL. too bad everyone knows i do not have her problem. but it's kind of true, peens can be pretty gross. for one, they can leak. some look fantastic, but others are very, very ugly. my friend anna told me about this, which makes me gag. also if you are uncircumcised please never show me your peen, ever. i will not date you and i definitely will not let you put that inside of me. but, you know what? vaginas aren't any prettier and they certainly don't have any less potential problems. so i guess we're all putting up with a lot of shit for a little bump n grind.

moral of the story cuz i'm so big on morals: if you offend me and it makes you feel sad, you will win me back if you make me laugh. and upon checking out kelly mcclure's website--which includes a reblog of an adorable piglet and a clip from pink flamingos--i'm realizing kelly and i might be soul mates. maybe i was being too serious before. luh you kelly mcclure, call me!

that's one way to tame a hairy ball sack

i love john waters, and i got to see him this past sunday at his performance of "this filthy world" at georgetown university, my alma mater.

i fully regret not taking my notebook because the man is extremely quotable, there was so much great material to pull from. i'll paraphrase the ones that stuck with me.

1. (to parents, in general) "you should be happy your child is a drug dealer, not a drug addict"

2. an entire segment devoted to bears, cubs and otters ("my significant otter")

3. why "poppers" is the only drug he'll do any more

4. his close encounter with the beibs, and lessons about what a fellow can do with an eyebrow pencil

5. fond memories of cookouts with liz taylor, and the things she had in common with divine

6. "everybody has limits"--his being child molestation (a good limit to have, i think), divine's being michael jackson and lisa marie presley

7. i'm not sure if he was kidding, but he talked about a procedure people are getting done in la to remove the skin from their ball sacks and replace it with clear plastic, so you can see the sperm at work. i don't see how this could be possible but people do weird shit. the first person who can find this online, and the name for it, i'll mail you a book from my shelves.
EDIT: i checked the dvd version of "this filthy world" to see if he mentions this, and he does, it's called "ultimate nudity," but in an interview, john waters admits he doesn't know for sure whether or not it's true.

i'm getting senile. i wish i could remember more, but i laughed the whole time. being a native of phoenix, maryland, john waters has always had a special place in my heart. he's such an inspiration to me. also, seeing john waters in person made me come to terms with the fact that i dated a guy who could be john waters' doppelganger--unconventional facial hair, penchant for striped socks and all. my life is awesome.

shh my parents are sleeping

1. a new thing on LPP. can't get enough of that site. specially now that the boys have been unmasked, and all. if you're a fan of rotting teeth like me, you might enjoy my latest.

2. i'm crushing on joe mchugh's blog. if you like these words "Here is how I will get upset. I will urinate on everything you know" and they make you smile a little inside and maybe even giggle a little on the outside then you'll probably like it too.

3. i spied the lyrics to fried or fertilized on the chalkboard at baked and wired. i forgot to take a photo because i'm forgetful and also an idiot. if you haven't seen the video yet you are an idiot too.

the jig is up

can't say it any better than radioactive moat... THE CREATORS OF LET PEOPLE POEMS--UNMASKED!!!!

welcome to the futurepast

1. first thing's first on this fine saturday.

get money!! this baby is cool i think. and yes folks, i am related to the little nugget. click here for more photos, if you like.

2. clothing of the futurepast.

they weren't too far off, at first. although transparent net happened in the 90s. but then they just started getting silly... a device to find an "honest man"? they're not real. get your head in the game, 1930s. i'd feel differently if men actually were outfitted with containers to store "candy for QTs"... a girl always loves a lil treat, especially from the unmarked flask on your hip. 

3. i'm reading a gesture life by chang-rae lee. 

i picked it up for class, and lee is coming to the university of maryland this wednesday for writers here and now (free and open to the public! come if you're in the area). i went into the book expecting to be bored by it, with no real reasons grounding that feeling except that he's won a bunch of awards and the cover is lame. but so far, it kind of rocks. i'm only a third through, so maybe i'm building up the secrets too much but there have been some really lovely, gruesome moments so far and the language is elegant without pretension. i might just read native speaker after all.

3. i know i plug let people poems (let them, just let them okay? they get mad if you don't) all the time, but i put a poem up there a couple of days ago and i forgot to say anything. 

3. are you still reading this? go outside, spring is taking some baby steps today.

my dreams are like giant muscular forearms squeezing your brain

i had a dream last night that a boy i dated for a month in high school (who i happened to see at a mask and wig party in columbia heights about a month ago) came back into my life. in my dream, he approached me at a free drawing class we were both attending and he never asked my name so i assumed he remembered me (i guess here's the part where i should say i approached him at the party irl and said hi and his name and he looked directly into my face and turned around and walked away, at which point i told the boy i was dancing with some dirty secrets about him like the gossipy little catholic school girl i was/am so i guess i was harboring some pretty deep-seated negative feelings about this boy when i had this dream.) in the dream, we were in an art class, and then the art class turned into my apartment, and then very quickly we were hooking up, at which point i discovered his penis was smaller than a baby bic lighter, which scared me into waking up. now, i've never seen his peen in real life, so i have to assume this to be true. dreamz are SO rad :)

imagine THAT.

grand marnier

i feel as though i've been subjected to a lot of unwarranted sexual photographs of my icons online lately. not that i really mind, of course. i could understand if i were trolling for them, but i was not. and now i'm going to share them with you.

this photo of allen ginsberg is making me a little hot.

so is this photo of patti & rob. sexuallll.

looking smelling feeling like a million bucksszz

social highlight of my spring break (hah i'm a grad student and i still get those!) so far has been an 80s dance party i went to on saturday @ The Black Cat. the atmosphere honestly imo could have been a little more lively as i think we were probably the most enthusiastic people there. but the music was great and who can argue with an 80s dance party, there should be more of them in public more often i think.

so far, the majority of my spring break has been like this as opposed to my normal life, which is more like this. of course i would do life backward, right? but then again, spring break is only half over and i guess i shouldn't speak too soon. and also, that was really dorky, sorry.

here's something that isn't dorky, and also is something you should totally join in on. i did, and i'm feeling the positive effects already.

i'm a big chicken

i was planning to post some poems earlier today, but the truth is i totally chickened out. they're not ready, ahh, man, i just don't know. maybe i've been thinking too much about this thing i read on htmlgiant. actually, i know i have. but it's true, i lost my nerve.

so now i'm going to distract you with something i saw earlier today.

this sign is on georgia ave, just before 495. it says GOD DOESN'T SEND ANYONE TO HELL--IT'S A CHOICE. and it's at a gas station! so perfect for a gas station. also, i think i choose hell. and inappropriate poetry.

some things i thought of while i was sleeping

one piece of news that i think is worth sharing is that let people poems has moved here. i think it will be better in the long run because wordpress does not have a limit on how many people can participate, unlike blogger, but in the short run it means i have to spend some of my hard-pressed time making a new thing do the things i want it to do, which is mainly to direct everybody here (no, there is no link because yes, i am referring to this site). anyway i think a lot of the people who have been submitting to LPP are pretty cool and have good things to say and i hope it keeps going forever and ever.

however in other news, and because three construction workers were digging a tunnel to china outside my apartment bldg until approximately 7 am, i have begun serious work on a new, exciting thing. all i can say right now is that it does not involve my daddy, but it's pretty cool. and it may or may not have something to do with this:

which gets me real jazzed.

also i will probably post to let people poems sometime later today, because i have a halfheartedly angry thing that i think is ready to be seen, maybe.

LPP rocks a lot

okkayyy folks i've got a new poem up on Let People Poems, a super-new, super-cool self-publishing site. check it out. let me know what you think. publish your own stuff.

a little preview...

maybe this ties into my poem, maybe it does not.

my life is probably not as cool as yours

i'm in this MFA program where i'm supposed to be writing all this great stuff, right? well a couple of weeks ago, i decided to put that theory to the test and read some fiction at a reading series called The Mock Turtle. my friends were there, people bought me drinks, everybody loved me, i felt like a rock star, i was on top of the world, no one could touch me blah blah blah and then this happened:

and the highlight of my mfa program became being the girl responsible for recording this man's poems. i'm a little bit kidding, but i am shaun gannon is and always will be cooler than you.

the birds are chirping and i have a new blog

i started this so i can submit stuff to a really cool website. but i wanna use it for real for real too. here's a little nugget from something special i've been working on: 

do people get hairier the older they get,

or something?

if i find out they do,

i guess i'll be ditching you in a couple years.