a poem in lists

1. it is winter but warm out
2. feeling a bit fucked
3. want to go outside b/c nice out but need to get work done but just procrastinating inside instead
4. is this a list
5. wearing red bra and someone else's basketball jersey as a dress, glasses
6. is it appropriate to go outside like this

7. my life is an anxiety dream
8. been having a good number of those lately
9. tinychatted with ana c, stephen tully dierks and jackson last night, seemed real nice
10. thought 'double date'
11. wanna double date them all
12. my apartment is messy
13. if i open all my windows (3) and clean the whole apartment does that count as being outside and productive

you know what i hate?

plans that don't get happened. this seems to be an inevitable part of life and is much easier to take as i become old but still feels disappointing from time to time, depending on the nature of the plan.

things i am certain i will do this year because i have talked about them:
1) become a rap goddess
2) write a fantasy novel with jackson
3) begin/continue a reading series in my apartment starting with february
4) read things from my brain for multiple upcoming readings including but not limited to three tents, mock turtle and 'a thing at a place where you listen to some people read some things' (on my birthday!!!)
5) go to awp with jackson and see everyone (this is definitely happening because we have already booked everything)
6) apply for a visa in new zealand and apply for jobs in new zealand and return to new zealand in december for 'the long run' (aka 2-3 years), in tandem with this move out of my apartment in august and live at home from sept-dec (bleak?)
7) finish my thesis and also create a real list of places where i want to send it not just one in my head
8) get my mfa degree (expect this to happen in december now)
9) continue writing reviews for the lit pub
10) revise and send out an essay i wrote in december comparing girlie beat poets and internet lit writers
11) apply to teach high schoolers this summer
12) successfully teach 'the rhetoric of cult film' (lol)
13) be in love with jackson nieuwland

things i learn when jackson leaves his homework open on my computer and then i find it when i'm at the library without him

1) every time he means its, jackson writes it's. which is three times in this example, which is 193 words long. that is 3/193 or 1/64 R1 (which doesn't mean anything but seemed worth including since i took the time to do long division on 193/3 with my finger on this desk to see if 193 was divisible by 3) or ~1.6%

2) something i already knew but you might not is that when jackson wants to write words with 'ize' in them he writes 'ise' via being a kiwi. also of note is that kiwis (and perhaps aussies? that part is debatable tbh) say 'zed' instead of 'zee' for the letter z and feel quite vehemently that there is no debating the accuracy of this. it is perhaps true that british fuckers might do this as well.

3) when jackson types on a word document, he uses verdana font size 10.

4) when writing for class, jackson uses scare quotes appropriately.

5) jackson makes the embarrassing error of typing 'many organization such as churches and the railway systems'.

6) really, it seems like a homework assignment about the font gill sans should have been written in gill sans, really.

7) it appears that jackson is still a supporter of the oxford comma.

8) i love you, jackson. [insert overly cute 'vacation photo' of us here.]

things i do when i am supposed to be getting work done at the library while jackson is in class:

-read through a lot of facebook stories
-kick off my shoes and rub my feet together like mad to relieve sandfly bites, feel sneaky while doing this
-stare intently at a face on the desk

-gaze wistfully out at the wellington harbor and somes island

-watch clouds 'scuttle' (this is a real thing here, i see these clouds and i think 'scuttle', who am i) across the sky

-read an email from one of my high school teachers about writing a letter of rec for me but during which he comments that 'Facebook tells me that you're madly in love and enjoying life like never before' which makes me feel slightly embarrassed at first and then like i just need to 'own it'

-respond saying i am in love

-read through an old document about my qualifications to work as a tutor for juvenile delinquents in college, feel embarrassed about the level of detail i went into at that time

-transfer photos like this one from my phone to my computer

-feel mildly worried about data rates here and make sure my data plan is still turned off

-label this photo 'jaxboost1.jpg' because there are more to come

-text ben rosamond about meeting up with him in napier tonight

-feel moderate anxiety about driving on the left side of the road in 2-3 hours

-look at the time for the oejfew2-0u0-1th time and wonder if jax will get out of class early so i can stop being so productive

-click edit and tweak things in this post at least 10 times